Why do you think feedback is so emotionally charged, even when it’s constructive?
Feedback is emotionally charged because it’s people telling us something about ourselves—and sometimes, we’re just not ready to hear it. Even when it’s positive or constructive, it can feel a little unsettling. It’s that sense of “people can really see me,” and that vulnerability can be uncomfortable, even if what they’re saying is meant to help.
How can leaders navigate the balance between candor and compassion when delivering difficult feedback?
I always go back to what Brené Brown says: to be clear is to be kind. When we give feedback that’s really clear and focused on just one topic, it helps. Sometimes I see leaders—myself included—make the mistake of giving critical feedback that ends up sounding like, “this was wrong, and this was wrong, and this was wrong,” all at once. It can feel overwhelming for the person receiving it.
But when we stick with the facts and say, “this is the one specific thing that didn’t go well, and here’s the one thing you can do to move it forward,” it helps bridge the gap between candor and compassion.
What about when there are multiple issues that need to be addressed, but you still want to be kind, clear, and focused?
Yeah, I always like to think about finding patterns. If there are multiple issues, can you group them together by theme? For example, if someone has been late several times, have a feedback conversation specifically about tardiness. If there are errors in accuracy, address those in a separate conversation.
When we try to cover too many different issues in one conversation, the feedback can lose its effectiveness. It becomes harder to hear because the person starts thinking, “Oh, this is wrong with me, and this is wrong with me, and this too.” Instead, you can either organize feedback by themes or by timeframe—like, “Let’s look at what went well and what didn’t go well in Q2.” That keeps the conversation more focused and digestible.
How can leaders receive feedback well – especially when it challenges their identity or leadership style?
I think learning how to receive feedback is just as much of a skill as learning how to give it.
When I personally receive feedback, the first thing I try to remember is: What’s a reasonable reason someone might be giving me this feedback? Especially if it’s critical. Most of the time, people aren’t trying to hurt your feelings—they’re trying to help or share something important.
The second thing I ask myself is: What can I learn from this—even if I disagree? There’s usually some nugget of truth or something valuable I can take away, even if I don’t fully agree with the feedback.
Finally, I always encourage myself—and my clients—to come into feedback conversations with a beginner’s mindset. Even if I think I already know what they’re going to say, or if I feel defensive, I try to stay curious: What can I learn here that will help me move forward? That shift in mindset makes all the difference.
How can leaders create psychological safety so their teams are more open to giving and receiving honest feedback?
Psychological safety is so, so important. Without it, you really can’t have effective feedback—or honestly, many other things that make teams work well.
One way to build that safety is to balance giving positive and critical feedback. Make sure you’re not only pointing out what’s going wrong but also highlighting what’s going well.
Another thing I love is giving positive and critical feedback using the same format. That way, people know exactly what to expect and can trust both kinds of feedback equally. Sometimes leaders—and team members too—don’t fully trust positive feedback because it feels less formal or less structured. But if you use the same framework every time, it builds trust.
For example, there’s the SBI framework: Situation, Behavior, Impact. Often, we think of SBI for critical feedback, but it’s just as powerful for positive feedback. You can say: “In this situation, you did this specific thing, and here’s the positive impact it had.” When feedback—positive or critical—follows the same structure, people are much more likely to hear it and believe it.
Another tool I love is simply asking: “Is this an okay time for me to give you some feedback, or would you prefer a different time?” Sometimes people need to be in the right headspace to hear feedback, and giving them a choice helps them feel respected and safe.
And my last (and maybe favorite) tip: avoid the classic feedback sandwich. That’s when you start with something positive, slide in the critical feedback, and then end with something positive. What usually happens is that people only remember the first and last things you say, so the critical feedback in the middle gets lost. Plus, over time, people start to expect the “but…” after your positive feedback, and then they don’t trust it.
If you want, you could do what I call an “open sandwich”—you might lead with critical feedback and end with something positive. Because real work is rarely all bad or all good; there’s usually a mix. But in general, I recommend avoiding the traditional sandwich for the sake of psychological safety.
What are some phrases or techniques you suggest for opening a feedback conversation, especially when it’s corrective?
My number one tip is to always ask: “Is this an okay time for me to give you some feedback?” Even if it’s a pre-planned conversation, I still recommend checking in first. It gives the other person a moment to get into the right headspace and shows respect for their time and energy.
I think we’ve all had that experience where someone leaves a vague note or sends an email that just says, “Hey, can we talk?” That can feel really scary—even if the feedback is actually positive—because our brains usually jump to expecting something negative.
So instead, I like to say something like: “Is this a good time to give you some feedback? I wanted to share some thoughts on the meeting you led last week about our Q2 performance.” This way, the person knows what the feedback will be about and can come into the conversation feeling more prepared and less anxious.
How do you recommend leaders follow up after giving feedback to ensure it’s landing and creating change?
That’s a great question, and I think there are a couple of good ways to do this.
One approach is for you, as the leader, to take the initiative and send a follow-up email: “Hey, this is what we talked about, and these are the action steps we agreed on. What’s your take on it?” This helps clarify next steps and shows that you’re invested in the outcome.
Another option is to put the follow-up in the employee’s hands. Ask them to send you an email afterward summarizing what they heard: “This is the feedback I received, and here’s what I think the next steps are.” This not only checks understanding but also encourages ownership and accountability.
Either way, there should absolutely be some written follow-up shortly after the conversation. And then, depending on the situation, I always recommend scheduling a follow-up meeting—maybe in a week, two weeks, or a month. This keeps the feedback from fading away and reinforces that the topic really matters.
Often, leaders give feedback—especially critical feedback—and then move on without revisiting it. That can send a mixed message: “This was important… but maybe not that important.” By scheduling time to follow up, you’re showing: This feedback matters. Your progress matters. And your development is important to me.
Any final words for our readers?
Don’t be afraid of giving feedback—and don’t be afraid of receiving it either. And don’t be afraid to ask for feedback, but ask in a specific way.
If you just ask, “Hey, how am I doing?” the answer is almost always going to be, “You’re fine!” and then you both move on. But if you ask something like, “Last week I led this meeting and tried to get this point across—do you think I was able to do that?” you’re much more likely to get clear, useful feedback you can actually act on.
Asking for—and giving—specific feedback makes it so much more meaningful for everyone involved.
